Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunshine or not
Finally - the sun is out! Now, I can take a nice walk and awaken my senses! Jeez, just as I'm writing this it started raining again. Perhaps just as well, I just remembered I have to send my taxes in today! Crap - Well, perhaps if I plan this right I can walk to the post office to post it today. We''ll see.
Monday, February 14, 2011
when night falls
and every evening
when my cheeks are wet
when the house is full of nightly sounds
when everyone has gone
I am still awake
listening to your breathing
trying to ignore the pounding
of my heart
my whole being wants to scream
hear me please
touch me please
love me please
and my throat aches
from all the screams not uttered
from all the cries held back
I turn over the wet pillow
when my cheeks are wet
when the house is full of nightly sounds
when everyone has gone
I am still awake
listening to your breathing
trying to ignore the pounding
of my heart
my whole being wants to scream
hear me please
touch me please
love me please
and my throat aches
from all the screams not uttered
from all the cries held back
I turn over the wet pillow
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Memories
The room we entered was brightly lit, although I hardly remember it that way. When I dig into the depths of my memory I see the dozen or so men gathered around a table. The details of the room, the furnishings, the chairs, I can't picture them any longer.
The men were dressed in black suits, because that is how it always was. They were elderly or middle-aged as it was so hard for a young man to have the life experience needed.
We sat to the side. All eyes upon us, my breasts heavy, reminding me of the baby at home. All the while I spoke to myself and to the child I just delivered. It's not true, today is a lie, but I have no choice. My fingers crossed, but only in my mind.
How come that memories fade and truths are distorted over time? Even when the memories are of life-changing events? The details around the event change in my mind and I search my brain for clues. Sometimes you hear people say "Today is a day I will never forget". They say this about their wedding day or the birth of their first child. Details become fuzzy though and all that remains are memories of the core event and emotions. Some details are only kept fresh through photos and film.
For me what remains is the feeling of self-betrayal. Who knew it could be so strong? Going against everything you believe in proofs to be damaging, even with fingers crossed. How many times have I relived this day, but changing my answer to: I have no regrets.
The men were dressed in black suits, because that is how it always was. They were elderly or middle-aged as it was so hard for a young man to have the life experience needed.
We sat to the side. All eyes upon us, my breasts heavy, reminding me of the baby at home. All the while I spoke to myself and to the child I just delivered. It's not true, today is a lie, but I have no choice. My fingers crossed, but only in my mind.
How come that memories fade and truths are distorted over time? Even when the memories are of life-changing events? The details around the event change in my mind and I search my brain for clues. Sometimes you hear people say "Today is a day I will never forget". They say this about their wedding day or the birth of their first child. Details become fuzzy though and all that remains are memories of the core event and emotions. Some details are only kept fresh through photos and film.
For me what remains is the feeling of self-betrayal. Who knew it could be so strong? Going against everything you believe in proofs to be damaging, even with fingers crossed. How many times have I relived this day, but changing my answer to: I have no regrets.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
resettling
Resettling - what an odd word that is. We're back in the States for a year-and-a-half now. It has been a tough rollercoaster ride. We made some new friends, reconnected with old ones, and, sadly, lost some friends along the way.
Still, we are without roots and I find myself clinging to the rare true friend I encounter, fearing it's almost a matter of time before they too move along. The people who can so unconditionally love because of blood ties are far, and I long for them from time to time. The longer I stay here, the more the ties, that keep making me look back, are being loosened.
Tragedy has happened this past year, and it changes everything.
Reinventing my life made me question my choices in every aspect of my life. Foundations did crack, but will be rebuild.
Resettling, such an odd word...but that is what has taken up my past year-and-a-half. I will be resettled, and hope to flourish.
Still, we are without roots and I find myself clinging to the rare true friend I encounter, fearing it's almost a matter of time before they too move along. The people who can so unconditionally love because of blood ties are far, and I long for them from time to time. The longer I stay here, the more the ties, that keep making me look back, are being loosened.
Tragedy has happened this past year, and it changes everything.
Reinventing my life made me question my choices in every aspect of my life. Foundations did crack, but will be rebuild.
Resettling, such an odd word...but that is what has taken up my past year-and-a-half. I will be resettled, and hope to flourish.
Friday, October 17, 2008
October
And now it is October...We crossed the Atlantic once again and settled on the West Coast of America. After living in hotels, at family, and temporary apartments, we moved into our own home and have been reunited with all our belongings. The kids are getting used to their new school, Martin is busy as always with work, and I've started a temp job at Expedia.
It's funny how far away the "England days" seem now. It's also funny that I now miss things I didn't know I would miss! Of course, somewhere along the line I must have known this would happen. Hearing my friend in England talk about a weekend in Nice makes me instantly jealous. There is something to say for Expat life, especially now my life seems a bit boring and mundane.
To me it feels like I was "out" for three years and that I have now returned to the rest of my life. This can't be true, because that would mean that Expat life is not part of the real deal. In a way it is true in that Expat life can be truly privileged, but it is still life...with it's own kind of challenges.
In any case, I'm back in the US, just in time to roll my eyes when seeing the disgusting presidential campaign ads, not even wanting to know how much money is being wasted. Just in time to experience the country's big economic crisis and realization that they voted for the wrong guy two times in a row...duh...
Yeah, we're back alright.
It's funny how far away the "England days" seem now. It's also funny that I now miss things I didn't know I would miss! Of course, somewhere along the line I must have known this would happen. Hearing my friend in England talk about a weekend in Nice makes me instantly jealous. There is something to say for Expat life, especially now my life seems a bit boring and mundane.
To me it feels like I was "out" for three years and that I have now returned to the rest of my life. This can't be true, because that would mean that Expat life is not part of the real deal. In a way it is true in that Expat life can be truly privileged, but it is still life...with it's own kind of challenges.
In any case, I'm back in the US, just in time to roll my eyes when seeing the disgusting presidential campaign ads, not even wanting to know how much money is being wasted. Just in time to experience the country's big economic crisis and realization that they voted for the wrong guy two times in a row...duh...
Yeah, we're back alright.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Goodbyes
A young English fox in our backyardToday was the last day of school for the kids and there was lots of waving and hugging involved. I did see quite a bit of tears, but not from my kids however.
It is strange to leave this life in England behind and all that has become so familiar to us in these past three years. For sure it has been quite challenging at times to live here, what with all our crazy landlords and all... (read Cameron, Jackson, Howarth Homes etc.) But this is all past us now and I have to say that our last landlords have been wonderful so far, pouring us sparkling wine whenever we stopped by. (Of course the guy is Irish, that may just be the difference)
Things I will miss from here:
- The international school and community
- My international oriented friends
- The walks with my friends
- The European honesty, open mindedness and willingness to help without any conditions
- The tube!
- Our little road trips to visit family & friends in Holland
- The quick little trips to other European destinations--although there were few
Things I will NOT miss from here:
- The lack of customer service
- The sour faces at the stores
- The long lines at the stores
- The lack of parking
We're packing up next week and start a new life somehow with lot's of unknows again and this is always a bit scary, at least to me. England will never be one of my favorite places in the world but the experience of living here has taught me so much. It has opened my eyes to different choices of education for our children, it has taught me more about European culture and their mindset (even though I am European myself), and mostly it has taught me about myself and my place in this world.
I'm looking forward to our new life in the US, but it is with a heavy heart that I go...I don't have roots in the US and I never will...my roots are in a small town in the north of Holland and I will always be that simple down to earth Frisian girl who is just trying to live the best life that she possible can...
Tot ziens, Auf Wiedersehen, Au Revoir, Goodbye...
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Labor in the UK
Within 11 weeks the movers will be here. When the representative of the moving company asked me in how many days we were packed up in America he was quite surprised that my answer was "one day". He asked me how that was possible. "Well", I answered, "a crew of five come in, and each starts packing up a room, and they don't stop until they're finished." "Labor must be cheap in the US", was the reps' response to that. I told him that when we moved from Holland to the US the movers took one day as well and that since our recent international move, my husband and I had moved our household three times more, and gotten rid of quite some stuff in the process. I could tell he was impressed when he found out that we had moved without help of a moving company.
"Four days", the rep told me, it was going to take their movers four days to pack up our household, based on the volume of our belongings. Both my husband and I have since asked if they are sure about this, telling them that we really don't have that much stuff, but they insist that it will take them four days.
A family member in Holland put it quite bluntly when she said, "the English are lazy". She had worked for a couple of months in a care home in England and drew her own conclusions from that experience.
My Thai beautician uses the exact same term, "the English are lazy, and I'm married to one". Well, I don't wish to argue with that.
I don't know if the English are lazy as such, but perhaps they are comfortable; they feel they can take it easy perhaps of the soft cushioning the government provides for when they fall, so to speak. I know I'm generalizing here, and I certainly don't want to imply that this is true for all English, as I'm sure it's not...but for some, yes, I think it may be the case.
There have been several articles and reports about immigrants and immigration in this country, and if this is a burden or if this gives an economical benefit to the United Kingdom. From what I've read I have the feeling that the opinions and conclusions are quite conflicting. I can just share my own experiences and the stories I hear around me, and from what I see I conclude that this country needs the immigrants. For example, the people from Eastern Europe that I've met here are highly motivated to make a better living for themselves, and they work hard to make it here. Our neighbor, who is a business owner, tells us that he will take a Polish worker anytime over an English worker, because he knows that he can depend on them. If the Polish worker can't come in for work, he will send a buddy to do the job.
A former neighbor, a cultured Englishman in his eighties who tells us he is not racist, has the opinion that the neighborhood and the city is going down because of immigrants and "blacks". Now I really don't want to argue with a man at his age, who survived the war, and travelled the world, but the parents on the streets who are yelling shamelessly to their kids in the shopping centre, are most definitely English. So is their gardener, who told them he is building up a business for himself, and suddenly he just stopped coming. Why did he let the neighbors down so suddenly? It turned out he was saving up for a holiday, once he made enough money, he just didn't show up at the scheduled time with his customers and just went away to enjoy the sun...I imagine he will have to start his business up on the ground floor again upon his return, he can't count on the recommendations of his former customers I'm sure.
The English are proud of their country, and of their history of being once the most powerful nation on this earth. An acquaintance said once "we did not become great by being nice", but I wonder if they realize that they are losing their edge. Businesses like cleaning companies, removal businesses and plumbing services owned by immigrants are rising from the ground like mushrooms. And guess who I would call if I need something done around the house? Yes, someone who is reliable, flexible and honest hardworking. I'm done waiting for a given time slot of 8-5 for someone who may or may not show up.
I'm very curious to see what will happen with the packing up of our belongings, and if they will really need four days to complete work. Maybe they come with less than five, probably they just work short days...I don't know how else I can explain why the movers would take that long. We'll see.
"Four days", the rep told me, it was going to take their movers four days to pack up our household, based on the volume of our belongings. Both my husband and I have since asked if they are sure about this, telling them that we really don't have that much stuff, but they insist that it will take them four days.
A family member in Holland put it quite bluntly when she said, "the English are lazy". She had worked for a couple of months in a care home in England and drew her own conclusions from that experience.
My Thai beautician uses the exact same term, "the English are lazy, and I'm married to one". Well, I don't wish to argue with that.
I don't know if the English are lazy as such, but perhaps they are comfortable; they feel they can take it easy perhaps of the soft cushioning the government provides for when they fall, so to speak. I know I'm generalizing here, and I certainly don't want to imply that this is true for all English, as I'm sure it's not...but for some, yes, I think it may be the case.
There have been several articles and reports about immigrants and immigration in this country, and if this is a burden or if this gives an economical benefit to the United Kingdom. From what I've read I have the feeling that the opinions and conclusions are quite conflicting. I can just share my own experiences and the stories I hear around me, and from what I see I conclude that this country needs the immigrants. For example, the people from Eastern Europe that I've met here are highly motivated to make a better living for themselves, and they work hard to make it here. Our neighbor, who is a business owner, tells us that he will take a Polish worker anytime over an English worker, because he knows that he can depend on them. If the Polish worker can't come in for work, he will send a buddy to do the job.
A former neighbor, a cultured Englishman in his eighties who tells us he is not racist, has the opinion that the neighborhood and the city is going down because of immigrants and "blacks". Now I really don't want to argue with a man at his age, who survived the war, and travelled the world, but the parents on the streets who are yelling shamelessly to their kids in the shopping centre, are most definitely English. So is their gardener, who told them he is building up a business for himself, and suddenly he just stopped coming. Why did he let the neighbors down so suddenly? It turned out he was saving up for a holiday, once he made enough money, he just didn't show up at the scheduled time with his customers and just went away to enjoy the sun...I imagine he will have to start his business up on the ground floor again upon his return, he can't count on the recommendations of his former customers I'm sure.
The English are proud of their country, and of their history of being once the most powerful nation on this earth. An acquaintance said once "we did not become great by being nice", but I wonder if they realize that they are losing their edge. Businesses like cleaning companies, removal businesses and plumbing services owned by immigrants are rising from the ground like mushrooms. And guess who I would call if I need something done around the house? Yes, someone who is reliable, flexible and honest hardworking. I'm done waiting for a given time slot of 8-5 for someone who may or may not show up.
I'm very curious to see what will happen with the packing up of our belongings, and if they will really need four days to complete work. Maybe they come with less than five, probably they just work short days...I don't know how else I can explain why the movers would take that long. We'll see.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Finally, the Ranch got Raided
Ever since reading "Under the Banner of Heaven" by John Krakauer I've become intrigued by the mormon fundamentalist movements, and especially the FLDS. I've watched several documentaries about the followers of this church and recently I've read the gripping story of Carolyn Jessop in her book 'Escape'.
You have to wonder what makes people submit to the power of the likes of Jeff Warren, who found a way, using his faith, to marry young girls and abuse children. Carolyn Jessop gives us a glimps of the believes and fears of these followers in Colorado City. Her book tells us about the child abuse that is generally accepted and the struggle of women in polygamist households. Children born in these closed off communities know no better then what they are told, and naturally they will believe what they are taught. Girls are being married off younger and younger, and local police are FLDS member themselves, making escape even harder.
But it got even scarier, when Jeff Warren had several families moved to a heavily guarded ranch in Texas. Abuse could continue without the outside world ever knowing... Finally, the authorities have found the opportunity this weekend to raid the ranch and take all the children, and the women as well.
I hope these children and women will learn to see that they have options and choices to live their own lives, without having someone dictate them on how they should live and who they should marry.
You have to wonder what makes people submit to the power of the likes of Jeff Warren, who found a way, using his faith, to marry young girls and abuse children. Carolyn Jessop gives us a glimps of the believes and fears of these followers in Colorado City. Her book tells us about the child abuse that is generally accepted and the struggle of women in polygamist households. Children born in these closed off communities know no better then what they are told, and naturally they will believe what they are taught. Girls are being married off younger and younger, and local police are FLDS member themselves, making escape even harder.
But it got even scarier, when Jeff Warren had several families moved to a heavily guarded ranch in Texas. Abuse could continue without the outside world ever knowing... Finally, the authorities have found the opportunity this weekend to raid the ranch and take all the children, and the women as well.
I hope these children and women will learn to see that they have options and choices to live their own lives, without having someone dictate them on how they should live and who they should marry.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Snow Day
After awakening, my son rushed out this morning to make this snowman...Good thing he did, because by afternoon all snow had disappeared.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Never A Dull Moment
I knew I felt the bed moving last night...but my hubby told me I must have had a bad dream after we were talking last night about an armed burglary.
I still remember the news of the poor lady that was brutally kicked to death in 2006. What I didn't know until last night, after chasing a photographer away who was taking pictures around our house at night time, was that those same killers came around here that very same night and attacked the neighbors.
After finally turning of my lights after 12, I heard a lot of animal noises to the point that it started to concern me. But I must have dozed of, only to awaken by a feeling that the bed was moving beneath me...I switched on my light and felt my pulse quicken. It was confusing to see that nothing was out of the order, and no stranger was in the bedroom..."Maybe I'm having a fever", I thought... As soon as I heard the news in the morning that there had been an earthquake last night around that exact same time, I knew that I felt that...even though the epicentre was quite a ways away.
And as for the violent robbers? They have been sentenced today and will be locked up for a long time to come...
I still remember the news of the poor lady that was brutally kicked to death in 2006. What I didn't know until last night, after chasing a photographer away who was taking pictures around our house at night time, was that those same killers came around here that very same night and attacked the neighbors.
After finally turning of my lights after 12, I heard a lot of animal noises to the point that it started to concern me. But I must have dozed of, only to awaken by a feeling that the bed was moving beneath me...I switched on my light and felt my pulse quicken. It was confusing to see that nothing was out of the order, and no stranger was in the bedroom..."Maybe I'm having a fever", I thought... As soon as I heard the news in the morning that there had been an earthquake last night around that exact same time, I knew that I felt that...even though the epicentre was quite a ways away.
And as for the violent robbers? They have been sentenced today and will be locked up for a long time to come...
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
2008
-By Martin- From our Hotel room in SeattleThere were some technical difficulties with the Space Needle fireworks this year, but hopefully this is not an omen of the year to come. Best wishes for 2008 to all of you!
Friday, December 28, 2007
ex Great Britain?
Coincidence or a sign?
Our son pointed out the license plate of our rental car says "XGB"...
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
She's getting to that age...
This weekend I was telling my 12 year old daughter to put some balls in the tree... She shaked her head and said: "Ornaments, mommy...not balls." Her charming dad, who was lounging in front of the tv, picked up on this and responded: "Yeah, throw some testicles in there, won't you?" At that precise moment my 11 year old son walked in looking confused...but he, wisely, decided not to comment...
Oh, is this blog getting inappropriate now? I hope not, because I still need to get something of my chest relating to 'marital merriment'...I'll save that for later.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
A Friends' Boost
"Seeing my friends, seeing how well they’re doing, and the amazing progress their kids have made, was very gratifying...-continue-..."
While we just got the news that we are being kicked out of our house for the THIRD time in two years in this miserable country...it seems that we at least did something right...
I think our Dutch friend in the US said it wisely, and it made me grin: "...you learn from whatever life throws at you (some of it, I am sure, is stuff I throw at myself)".
If we learned one thing from this whole experience it is that we need to take the red flag warnings along the way, of whatever decision we are about to make, a bit more seriously. A couple of months ago I felt I was fighting my intuition about moving into this house. So I can blame myself, but really we couldn't have known that the development company was planning to flatten this lot so quickly! I still doubt that bulldozers will already show up in December, so we are trying to reason with the 'big guys' to let us stay untill Summer....
We will see what the outcome will be. I've thought very strongly about moving back early to the US with the kids...but seeing how well they do in school, I refuse to leave just yet...
Thanks friend...
While we just got the news that we are being kicked out of our house for the THIRD time in two years in this miserable country...it seems that we at least did something right...
I think our Dutch friend in the US said it wisely, and it made me grin: "...you learn from whatever life throws at you (some of it, I am sure, is stuff I throw at myself)".
If we learned one thing from this whole experience it is that we need to take the red flag warnings along the way, of whatever decision we are about to make, a bit more seriously. A couple of months ago I felt I was fighting my intuition about moving into this house. So I can blame myself, but really we couldn't have known that the development company was planning to flatten this lot so quickly! I still doubt that bulldozers will already show up in December, so we are trying to reason with the 'big guys' to let us stay untill Summer....
We will see what the outcome will be. I've thought very strongly about moving back early to the US with the kids...but seeing how well they do in school, I refuse to leave just yet...
Thanks friend...
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Summer in America...
Country Village, Bothell, WA
A glimpse of Mount RainierSeattle, WA
Remember 'Twin Peaks'?Snoqualmie Falls, WA
I call this "Scene from the Stepford Wives" 
mmmm, devilled eggs...
Ballooning in WA State 
Shelter Island, San Diego, CA 
San Diego, CA 
Shamu, in SeaWorld San Diego, CAMonday, September 03, 2007
Back Again!
Wow, my last post was back in Aprill!
And what was going on in the mean time? Mostly vacation! I know, I'm spoilt rotten currently, but I'm taking advantage of the fact that I wasn't tied down by work, and that we had the opportunities to travel....Enjoy it while it lasts...yes?
We escaped the UK just in time to avoid the storms and floods, to enjoy the sun in Seattle and San Diego. After that it was time to drive to Holland to visit some family.....and on the way there and the way back my son retrieved me from the eighties and kept me awake with Linkin Park. Hey, it stuck! I'm a fan now!
After a visit from a Dutch/American friend it was time to explore a little of the Highlands up north. Beautiful..... One afternoon we sat at the water at Ballachulish and it just hit me how quiet it was! Just no sound....no cars....it made me want to move to the country; am I getting old?
Pictures will follow...
And what was going on in the mean time? Mostly vacation! I know, I'm spoilt rotten currently, but I'm taking advantage of the fact that I wasn't tied down by work, and that we had the opportunities to travel....Enjoy it while it lasts...yes?
We escaped the UK just in time to avoid the storms and floods, to enjoy the sun in Seattle and San Diego. After that it was time to drive to Holland to visit some family.....and on the way there and the way back my son retrieved me from the eighties and kept me awake with Linkin Park. Hey, it stuck! I'm a fan now!
After a visit from a Dutch/American friend it was time to explore a little of the Highlands up north. Beautiful..... One afternoon we sat at the water at Ballachulish and it just hit me how quiet it was! Just no sound....no cars....it made me want to move to the country; am I getting old?
Pictures will follow...
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